Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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