i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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