I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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