listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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