my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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