I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
