I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
