There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
