turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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