some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize