that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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