i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
