I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
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Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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