She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
