Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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