my phone needs a breathalizer
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
