Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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