dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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