we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
