If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
