god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
