Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
