thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
