there's paper in my vomit.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
