I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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