forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
