My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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