This dress was meant to end up on your floor
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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