dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
