i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
