So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
