GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
