the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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