All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
