New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
