you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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