Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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