Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
