If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
