her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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