The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
