I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
