yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
