I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.