and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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