Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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