I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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