Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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