she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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