Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
