Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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