i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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