His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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