Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
