Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
