Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
