Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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