After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
