there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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